Leonardo di Lemure wouldn’t let anyone else interview Kris (she’s a lady pirate with a mustache - enough said, according to Leo), so I’m handing things over to his capable paws. But first, a little about Kris:
Kris makes port in the lovely, sunny city of Sarasota, Florida. She’s a Biologist by day and runs an EcoTourism business on the side. Basically, if she’s not in a kayak, it’s not a good day. Kris was that kid who read books under the covers late into the night until her dad threatened to permanently take away the flashlight. She’s been obsessed with the written word ever since. Books replace food, sleep and subvert most other normal human behaviors and niceties. If she’s reading or writing, don’t interrupt her unless you want to lose a limb.
It’s all you, Leo!
Well, bonjour my little flower.
*snatches her hand*
Your beauty, *smooch* it eez so bright! *smooch* I begged *smooch* for the chance *smooch smooch smooch* to interview you, ma petite!
*grabs for hand*
Ah, oui. We should focus on thees interview. Of course, of course.
*hops onto chair across from Kris*
Alors, my lovely, lovely Kris. How eez it that you chose your pirate name, eh?
Jas Ketch is a play on Jack Ketch. In pirate lingo, dancing with Jack Ketch meant the hangman’s noose. The “Siren of the Seychelles” part was my partner’s idea, because in his words “That’s what you do; you lure unsuspecting sailors onto the rocks.” I was overwhelmed with his vote of confidence on my behalf. Apparently, I am far more lethal than I realized. And no, I will NOT sing in the video. Nope. Not gonna happen.
A siren! Oui! Your beauty, it eez deadly. And your voice! Like music to my ears. I will watch this video. I cannot wait.
I will eegnore thees part about your partner - it eez of no consequence to me.
You and I, mon amour, we are meant to be!
*flips eyepatch up to read next question*
*flips it down*
Tell me, mon ange de la mer, what eez the one word that would tell me -
That ees, tell us who you are?
If I could describe myself in one word, it would be “Fearless”. If I got two words it would be “Stupidly Fearless”*
*My one true fear is that I will be on my deathbed and regret all the things in life I DIDN’T do, so I’m prone to take really stupid risks to make sure that doesn’t happen.
Stupide! Jamais! My god-ess de la mer could never be stupide! Tut, tut. Fearless, brave, wise - you are all of these things, but never stupide.
And your mustache - may I just say - eet ees too much for me. I cannot stand the ladees with the naked faces.
But you, my pet. Your mustachioed visage is parfait! I am overcome by you, mon amour -
*tries to land a smooch on Kris*
*shakes it off*
*hops back onto chair*
D’accord, mon canard, you are wiley. So smart. And perhaps shy, non? I must be patient. For you my love, I would wait until the end of time!
But please, don’t make me wait so long, eh? We lemurs do not have as many years as you, mon amour.
Alors, let us talk about books. I want to know tout about you, my magnificent, mustachioed goddess de la mer!
Wow, which books do I get to take? Hmmm…well, I have to take The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy. Mostly because I could read that book a thousand times and never get sick of it. And where would I be without Gabriel Garcia Marquez? So Love in the Time of Cholera is coming too. I’d also have to bring along the J.M. Barrie version of Peter Pan as that would be a fantastic, and thoroughly accurate, survival manual for the island. And lastly, a copy of the Little Prince, because that part with the fox gets me every time.
Oui, oui. These books are filled with passion, with love, with adventure - like you, ma belle!
*loses train of thought*
*shakes off visions of Kris doing passionate adventure-type things*
*looks at interview questions*
Oh, là là! Thees next question, eet ees parrrrrfait for us! If the stars should align, mon amour, and we were stranded together on an island - heaven, no? - what three things could I bring to you?
Definitely my trusty hammock. I spend a great deal of time writing and reading in that thing. It should really be a tax right off at this point. I’d need to bring a case of mangoes, because I consider mango smoothies to be one of the four food groups. Plus, then I could grow a mango tree thereby permanently avoiding starvation and/or scurvy. And the last thing, hmmm… I think I’d have to take my guitar. I’ve had it since I was seven and honestly, I don’t think I could live without music. (in some form or another)
Ah, yes! I would love to share thees hammock with you.
We could watch the stars, and I would bring you mangoes - as many mangoes as you want, mon amour! Oui! This ees how eet ees meant to be for us.
*gazes deep into Kris’s eyes with single eye*
Quoi? What’s that mon amour? Oh, yes, the interview. You are so focused, I must try to be more like you, non? I confess, your mustache, my love. It drives me to distraction, I adore it so.
*looks at interview questions*
*lifts eye patch to see better*
*flips it down*
Ah, yes. Thees is a lovely question, not as lovely as you, of course, but what could be?
Alors, what topic of thees website are you most excited about, mon petit chou? Besides the fact that eet has brought the two of us together, eh?
I’m really excited for Truth and Dare. I love hearing about other people’s lives. What makes them tick? Why they think the way they do. Sometimes there are pivotal moments that happen when we are young that shape our whole lives. I can’t wait to read those. And the Dare part, come on what’s not to like about getting to dare other people to push their limits?! Walk the Plank also sounds like a ton of fun! I haven’t done a lot of flash fiction, so I can’t wait to try my hand at it.
You are so daring, mon ange, so brave! Eet ees part of why I love you so!
*leaps off of chair*
Ha-ha! You cannot avoid mes baisers - my kisses - forever!
What’s that, my love?
Ah, you need space? Oui, je comprends. My love for you is so strong, eet ees too much at times, non?
It is difficult, but I will try to give you thees space you need.
Alors, dites-moi, mon amour, what ees something amusant - fun, you know - about yourself? Perhaps thees will distract me.
I’ve been struck by lightning. Twice. Well, the first time I was on a mountaintop in a boulder field and the lightning hit a boulder. But the ground current knocked me unconscious and I lost all my fingernails and toenails, so I think it should count. And the second time I was out in a boat on the water. Technically, the lightning hit the boat. But the boat caught on fire and all the fish floated to the surface, so I’m counting that one too. And when you think about it, it REALLY explains a lot.
Quelle terrrible! You must never go outside again, mon amour! Where would I be, if I could not gaze upon your mustachioed visage again!
Oh, the horror! And what would I -
Eh, what would you do, my love, should thees terrible thing ‘appen again?!
Almost exactly what I am doing now…just more of it.
Plus, I’d finally take that trip to Madagascar. Last time we tried, we were sitting on our luggage in the Paris airport, waiting to board our connecting flight and they announced over the loudspeakers that civil war had broken out in Antananarivo and all the flights were cancelled. If I couldn’t die, I’d just say “Hit me with your best shot, I’m off to see me some lemurs!”
*leaps from chair*
Madagascar! Ah oui! My heart sings with gladness to hear you say it! I would love to introduce you to ma famille! Oh, mon amour, that would make thees lemur so happy!
*attempts to smooch Kris*
*dances around some more*
Ma famille, they would all know the beauty, the magnificence of my mustachioed pirate god-ess, so divine, so brave, so daring - they would know that she ees mine!
You may kiss me now, mon amour!
*climbs back onto chair*
Let us finish with thees interview, thees magical time that has brought us so much closer together. What else would you like to tell thee lovely personnes who have witnessed our love today?
This is such an amazing and talented crew that I am so happy to be on board! And I think it will be a very grand voyage, so long as we don’t all die of laughter. (Which is a distinct possibility)
Ah, merci, mon amour. Merci. Such a way with words.
Shall we look for a hammock now, ma petite? That would be very nice, don’t you think? Wait, my love! Where are you going? Do not leave me!
*tosses interview papers*
*races after Kris*
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But wait, there's more! Stop by this afternoon for a video, where Curly McGee, Guppy Guts Skullcracker, Dread Pirate B., and Jas Ketch, Siren of the Seychelles, share more on how they chose their pirate name. See you then!